We want to bring a baby into this world, even though we already have our Angel in our hearts. As most everyone knows. And everyone Is probably tired of hearing about this topic. I’m sure God’s ears are bleeding from hearing my prayers every second of every day. But building our family is an all consuming desire. Even more than that though. It is more than a want, dream, or goal. We are impatiently waiting for more of our future to unravel. There’s no way that i can keep quiet about it.
Motherhood has been something I’ve dreamed about for most of my life. As a child, I was always playing with barbies, American Girls, and other dolls, acting the mother role. I was the oldest child. The directive and bossy big sister who made my younger sisters play house on a regular basis. I grew up surrounded by children of all ages in a home daycare run by my mother. I was changing diapers and fixing bottles as soon as I was old enough to help. And I wanted to help. I wanted to play, hold, and entertain the kiddos. I pretended in my little mind that I was their mom. I remember how excited the kids would get when their real parents would pick them up at the end of their work day. The pure joy at seeing their mom. The loving embrace. I wanted that. I wanted that connection. I planned to raise children and to bring a piece of me into the world.
And then I met Nick. My partner and soulmate. I have already seen the father that he is going to be based on his character and his actions. He is smart and hardworking. He has strong values and expectations. And he is kind and faithful. He is my husband and he is going to be the best co-parent that I could ever depend on. We have always wanted to parent and it has never been a lengthy discussion or decision. We want children to love, teach, and worship. Together. Our only expectation was that we wanted to be married before we started trying. Children would be our blessing and gift.
This belief of children as a blessing grew stronger during our lengthy conception journey. It took 14 months of trial and tears to conceive. What we thought would be easy just wasn’t. And life had been pretty easy for me up to this point. We learned through this struggle how precious parenthood would be. This was our first hurdle. Our first slap in the face, but lesson nonetheless.
It took some time, but then we became parents! Our little Bean was too small to know if it was a boy or girl. They didn’t have eyes. Their limbs weren’t fully grown. And our baby grew angel wings and had to leave us. But it was our child that we made. And we were, again, set us on a vastly different parenthood course than what we had imagined. That’s the thing about life and parenthood. It still doesn’t go as planned. Even when you think you’ve got it right.
But we continue on this disjointed and messy parenthood journey. We’ve beared loss along the way. Our expectations changed. Still, our determination grows stronger with each passing month. Our love for our future children grows stronger with each passing month. Our bond as a family and our preparedness grows stronger as well. Faith is driving us. There is nothing we want more.