My heart hurts on a daily basis. But, it is not a debilitating pain anymore. I can make it to work all 5 days of the week. I don’t have overwhelming crying fits. I’m not pulled to my bed like my sheets are magnetized. I can laugh with my husband and look forward to plans of making another baby. God’s shoulder is drying up from all the tears I’ve poured onto Him.
But the pain isn’t going away. It just evolves into something more bearable. What I’m finding is that there are trigger points, but they don’t cut as deeply.
I ache from my loss and all the loss that I see so many other families going through. It seems like everywhere I turn I am learning of someone else losing their infant. Too soon. It’s a new blogger that I come across. It’s a news story of a celebrity who has experienced child loss. With my eyes opened up to this experience, it seems that I see more and more loss in the world.
Or my heart aches at good news and happy announcements. In a depression like this, even good news hurts alongside the joy that I feel. This is found in all the pregnancy announcements and new babies coming into the world. I see children’s faces all over Facebook and social media. Parenting and motherhood on podcasts and blogs that I read. Adoption stories tug at my heartstrings. My reaction to these things aren’t going to be the same as any other persons.
I don’t expect people to understand.
I’m going to continue to adjust to this imbalance of wacky emotions and thoughts.
I’m still learning how to be this different Emilee in this vastly different life.