The plus side of the wait
I don’t know why we have to wait. I wish I did. Only God knows and boy would I love to wrack his brain.
I beat myself up and exhaust myself with all of this. My mind doesn’t turn off. The negative m thoughts scream the loudest. I’ve written lines and lines of how hard this is. And I could keep going, but I need a change of pace.
There are the few moments when I can see the positive aspects of this whole ordeal. They’re brief. It’s easier to be down on myself and wallow in the negative. But the light does glimmer sometimes. I do have hope, though fleeting. It would really help me to fill my thoughts with some optimism and jot down all the ways that our conception journey is working in our favor. Maybe I can have more trust in the wait if I try to think along these lines.
• First, and most obviously, this wait is strengthening our love and desire for our future children. It probably goes without saying, but I truly believe that we will have a stronger bond and love for our children because of how difficult it is bringing them into this world. We will cherish our children more, in our own way. Though I may have complaints about pregnancy, motherhood, and the busy life of parenting, this journey will always be the perspective. I will never forget this wait.
• I like to think that we will be more prepared for our children when they get here. With all the preparations for Angel Baby, I feel that I have already learned a lot. And this wait has given us time to plan ahead more than just emotionally and mentally. We have been planning financially. I know that we are very blessed in this sense and I don’t take any of this for granted. We have saved money. We have slowly purchased essentials. We have a beautiful home with a nursery already started. We can count on our incomes, family help, and insurance coverage. We can continue to set our children up for successful lives.
• Nick and I have grown as people. I could go on and on about how different we are. Grief changes you. Trauma changes you. But we are stronger in our commitment to each other. Our marriage has been tested and will continue to be. But our marriage is strong. We will continue to work through and make it to the next day.
• And we have this time to just be together. Us two. We have needed this time to recover and lean on each other. We spend a lot of time together and are blessed to be able to do so. In the back of my mind I know that there will come a day when it won’t be like this though. We won’t be able to cuddle and sleep in, watch Netflix together every night, pick up and go away on the weekends, or just generally relax together. I need to be more thankful for this alone time together.
• My faith is tested every minute that I continue to wait for our children. More often than not, I am upset with God and don’t understand what is happening in my life. But I continue to have faith. Somehow. Behind everything, I know that He is working and helping and this is bringing me closer to Him.
• I sometimes get embarrassed with how openly and abrubtly I broadcasted our miscarriage and fertility issues. But then there are people that reach out to me and share their stories. When they tell me that my posts have helped them and that they can relate, I realize that I was meant to share, no matter how painful this has been. The miscarriage and infant loss community is huge and very supportive. Though I haven’t tapped into the support groups in the area, I very quickly learned about them and felt welcome. The Remembrance Walk is something I hope to incorporate as a family tradition.
• Another hope that sits with me is that I will be the one to carry the burden of miscarriage and child loss for my family. Statistically, I should be. God willing, I should be. I pray that my sisters never have to experience anything like this when their lives evolve into family planning.
I never pictured this to be my life and I don’t know what’s ahead. I just know that we are meant to be parents. We will bring our children into this world and give them everything and more. That’s it. I don’t know when, but it will happen. I’m trying to be okay with the journey in the meantime.